MOM died august 12 2009

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MOM died august 12 2009

by rosiebud1989 on Tue Nov 03, 2009 02:56 AM

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I dont really understand why....she started out with cervical cancer even thow she had the surgery to get that removed the doctor left a stump of her cervic inside her becasue it was easier for him nd then it spread to her lungs and finally to her brain it happen preety fast in the last year i feel like nothing like i dont understand why i dont feel anything my aunt died a week befor my mom and my cousans are all saying they feel my aunt all the time and i dont understand what im supposed to feel i dont feel anything like i just feel like she is gone...? befor she died they called the house the night befor saying she wouldnt make it threw the night soo my dad asked if we wanted to go and me my lil brother and sister where all really confused and said no but later on that night my dad came home and said shes pulling threw and around 1am i had a really bad feeling that i  had to be there soo i just started walking and walking untill one of my friends called nd offered to give me a ride soo we got there and my mom was all hooked up to a venalator and feeding tube and sadated but when the nurse came in she asked my mom to do stuff and she would like i didnt think she could here me soo i was really upset and just kinda sat there like scared to touch her nd my friend went out of the room for a min to talk to the nurse and i told my mom it was ok that everything will be ok and she could go it was around 2:30 am when i left i said bye mommy nd i loved her nd left and around 3 right after i walked in the door we got the call nd i blamed myself part of my still does cuse i think i scared her telling her she could go...no one knew i was at the hospital either sence my dad went to bed when he came in i just left and didnt tell anyone soo it was hard for me to even tell anyone that i was there for a lil cuse the nurse told my dad to younge girls where in here not to long ago nd he asked and i couldnt bring myself to say it was me for somreason he knows now  nd told me thank u but i dont understand... like i dont understand why or what i did or why just why everything....

RE: MOM died august 12 2009

by heart_and_soul on Tue Nov 03, 2009 03:57 AM

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Rosie, I am so sad to hear about your mom. There really isn't an answer to your questions about why. People die, and some of them way before they have had the long life we all want. It's really sad.

I think it is a beautiful powerful thing that you went to see her the night before she died. It's something like a jewel... a treasure... you can keep it in your heart forever. There's nothing wrong with it. You didn't make her die, and you know that, right? You made her feel safe and loved. You were the best thing that could have possible happened. If I were her, I would have been so grateful to you. If there is anyway for her to be with you, to love and protect you for the rest of your life, I bet she's on the job. Moms never stop caring about their kids, even after they die.

Don't worry about what your cousins say. It's ok for each person to find their way through the strange land of grief in his or her own way. No one knows how to get through it but we do. We get to a place where we still hurt, and we still miss the person every day, but we have found a way to live again.  It take a long time... and like you said your mother's cancer went so fast... you all didn't really have a lot of time to get used to this new idea.

Hope you have a few people you can talk to. Like the mom of a best friend or something. But you can ALWAYS find nice people here too. I'll be looking out for you! My sons are 27 and 25 and I am used to kinda letting them live their own life but being ready to be the mom at any given moment.

Be very gentle and nice to yourself. And again, I think you did a very brave and beautiful thing that night.

Love, Sarah

mom of Andy 27, dx glioblastoma 1/09

RE: MOM died august 12 2009

by lorivic on Tue Nov 03, 2009 04:07 AM

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Hi there,

I lost my mom in February of this year. She passed away from Lung cancer and she was 70 years old. I can understand how you are feeling....I think the Doctors don't want to tell you anything bad until it is bad and there is nothing they can do. I don't like that, I like to know what the outcome will be at it's worst. So I can understand...I know what you are going through. It is normal to think you could have done something for your mom, but I think you being there was the best thing you could have done. I remember on my mom's last day, she was on life support and the nurse told me my mom could hear me. I was telling her how much I loved her and thanking her for being such a great mother to me and when the priest came in to read her last rites, I lost it I could not hold back and somehow she had the strength to turn and look at me as if to say, "stop crying I'll be OK." It was a comforting moment, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her and how she suffered. So it is sooo normal for you to feel confused believe me I still feel that way....I guess noone knows how it feels until they lose their mom. Is there anyone you can talk to? You sound like a young girl is there a teacher, a priest, or rabbi? I am still dealing with it and it does help to talk to somene....I still can't understand why?? I think the really hard part is knowing she is gone and never being able to see her again.........I just really miss her. Please don't blame yourself you did everything you could, cancer is a really hard disease and you just wanted your mom to be at peace. I know I wanted the same thing for my mom...

Good luck and I hope you can get through each day knowing your mom loved you and you were the last person there to comfort her......she is in a better palce.

RE: MOM died august 12 2009

by Pooh729 on Fri Nov 13, 2009 12:42 AM

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Hey rosie,

My mom is hospice after  two year battle with  colon cancer. The doctors told her two days ago that there is nothing  else they could do. Surgery would be like a sure death  sentence because she is to two weak she probably would die during the surgery. I felt like i let my mom down. I feel like  I did not due enough. I tried many times to have mom see another doctor but we stay with same one. I feel like i should have quit work and went to Cancer center of america or travel to houston to the famous cancer center down there. I think mom lived her life the way she wanted. Mom is now is a depression state where she went from smiling for the last 68 years to not smiling at all. I am only 27 and she will miss my wedding and/or future grandkids . My granny told me i will have kids but she willl never have another daughter.I am sadddddddd. I want to cry, scream, yell, and crawl in a hole.

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